Im too sad to write a title

Im too sad to write a title When you tell your friends, in disbelief, about this post, you will say, Shes liveblogging her nervous breakdown. I am doing that. Because I dont know what else to do. The problem with blogging while you are having a nervous breakdown is you can never work again. The problem with not blogging while you are having a nervous breakdown is you have to hide things. If I weren’t blogging, I would have such a long list of  things to hide. For example, even though my  son got into Juilliard, hes not there now. We cant afford it. I cant navigate trains because I cant read numbers. And I cant drive because I cant predict the direction things come from. And taking a car to and from Juilliard is $500. I couldnt pay that every week. And then there are cello teacher politics. I cannot write anything about that because all the cello teachers would hate me. I have not said any of this. For one thing, every time I have tried to explain not being able to travel, people think Im lying or not trying. People think Im being a pain. That might be true. I cant tell anymore. It is a social skill to know if youre being a pain. I know for sure people are really sick of me. And that I am ruining my kids’ lives by not being able to deal with the people my kids need. The higher the stakes, the more trouble I cause. So, right now, my son is leaving. My cello son.  I have tried so so hard. But the cello world is all social skills. I think about the hierarchy of life. I think about how could I be failing so massively right now? But its taken so long for me to completely fail, I haven’t totally noticed. I am the frog unaware that I’m boiling. I think about when there were no kids, and it was just work,  it was me and men. Work is mostly men. I worked almost exclusively with men for most of my adult life. The career world is very competitive â€" and most women arent. Women are collaborative. But its a different story in the mom world. The social skills you need to navigate cello moms are at a level I have never experienced.   I cant even begin to talk about how incompetently I navigate this. The cello moms who know me well would be incredulous to hear that I spend most of my waking hours trying to figure out how to make them like me â€" or at least, how to make them not hate me. They would probably tell you it looks like Im not trying at all. Looking back now, I think I was barely holding things together until we moved to Swarthmore. My biggest issue is abandonment. So, it doesnt matter to me that the farmer was abusive.  I cant get my head around abuse, anyway. The only thing that matters to me is that he cut me out, overnight, with no warning. I was so overwhelmed. I couldn’t work. Some days, I was nearly catatonic. Any energy I had I thought should go to the kids. So I did not make very much money. Sometimes I did. But mostly, I didnt. And as the kids required more and more of my time, I became even less and less able to earn money. I cashed out stock from one of my companies to catch up on bills. I feel so alone. I dont receive child support. No one helps me financially. Sometimes, if we dont have money for food, Melissa sends money. There have been times when we have been stranded somewhere and I have had to ask her for $20 for the Uber to get home. Its not that Im not able to earn money. Its that the nonstop pressure of a cello kid and a kid with Asperger’s and me with Asperger’s and me being the only one making money and me being the only one taking care of the kids  is all too much. And I think I started to shut down. I tried to tell people I couldnt keep going. But I guess people think Im incompetent and irresponsible and largely a lost cause. I used to tell myself, “My family doesn’t know how bad it is, but if they knew how bad it is, if I told them how bad it is, then theyd help. So, Im OK. I have that. Then there was a time I called my brother from cello camp. I told him I was going to be arrested if I didn’t pay the hotel bill. The policeman was standing right in front of me. I asked my brother if he could pay the bill. He told me not to ever ask him for money again. I thought to myself, “Im looking at six more years of taking care of the boys and no one will help.” We dont really have money. I dont know how to describe it. People who are very close to me can see how expensive cello is. But on top of that, I dont always know what is important and what is not important. I spend money where I don’t have to and then I dont spend money where I should. So everyone tells me I spend too much money and I make terrible money decisions. But its very hard to get good advice about money when its about parenting. Or maybe everyone is giving me good advice and Im not hearing it. That could be. I decided people are right and I moved the boys to be right next to the cello teacher. I sleep in the closet  in a two-bedroom apartment with mice. No more travel expenses. Theres still not enough money. Once, I said to my son, You have to practice cello every single day, even on the days when its hard. Thats what makes you a great cellist. He replied, Mom. Cant you just accept that sometimes Im having a hard time? When theres nothing to eat but crackers, I dont tell you to try harder to make money. I know you work your hardest. Thats when I realized the boys know everything. Or maybe I already knew. I guess it just hurt. I am telling you this so I don’t have to hide from my shame. Im telling you everything. Because right now I am trying to cope with the fact that my son has to leave. I have failed him. Hes leaving tomorrow. He has to go somewhere where someone can help him become the cellist he wants to be. The history of memoir is writing after its done. There is redemption. People only tell horrid stories in hindsight. I guess I don’t totally understand why people dont talk about sad things that are happening as they are actually happening. I think it might be because its like cutting the lifeline you could use to pull yourself out. But do we have to hide to have a lifeline? Im not sure. I will find out.